Rewrite a scene

Character: Nick    page 30 to 31

Mr. McKee was a pale almost dead looking feminine man. There was a white spot of lather on his cheekbone; apparently he is carless man who is not even capable of shaving himself appropriately. He told me that he was in some “artistic game” and I found out later that he was a photoprapher and made those creepy enlargements of Mrs. Wilson’s mum on the wall. His wife was flashy, handsome, horrible and she looked kind of weak. Very strange appearance. She told me that her husband took 127 photographs of her since their marriage. I was surprised how people can be so cocky about such things.

Mrs. Wilson had changed her costume and now she wore a fancy cream colored dress, which caused an annoying rustle when she walked through the room. I wished she would just sit down. She was very pride of her dress, I could tell from her gestures. Her whole personality changed from vital and affable to swanky and arrogant. Also, her gestures and assertions became more violently affected. She kind of claimed the whole rooms attention with her appearance, but not in a positive way, it was more intrusively annoying with that creaky dress.

“My Dear” she told her sister in a high, horribly mincing shout,”most of these fellas will cheat you every time. All they think of is money. I had a woman up here last week to look at my feet, and when she gave me the bill you would of thought she had my appendicitis out.”
“What was the name of the woman?” asked Mrs. McKee. The conversation went on and I just turned a deaf ear, I cant stand those superficial stuff of which both sides know that the other is not interested in.


I tried to make Nicks judgements more obvious in this scene by adding and changing adjectives that sound more judgemental. To me, he is hiding his real opininon of people and situations behind nice and fancy words so that it is sometimes hard to tell if he is judging something or not. Therefore, i kinda tried to reveal the real intetions of his words.